The great enemy of communication, we find, is the illusion of it. We have talked enough; but we have not listened. - William Whyte. p19
I was also good in conversations. But that's absolutely not true. Being a good talker doesn't make you a good a good listener, and being smart might make you a terrible listener. p36
Most people use mental shortcuts to find answers to problems. Even when we think we're being analytical, our assumptions and shortcuts quite often lead us to the wrong answer not just in math problems, but also in our human relationships. p40
Listen to what they have to say without taking offense. Maybe start with someone you know well, like a sibling or a friend. Listening to constructive criticism is never easy, but if your goal is to become better conversations, it's important to get an honest assessment of the area most in need of improvement. p41
In conversations, as in life, you can't control what someone else does or says; you can only control yourself. But sometimes, that's enough. p42
Was I listening to what people said and the responding, or did I simply wait for them to take a breath so I could say the clever thing I'd already formulated in my mind? p43
If you align expectations with reality, you will never be disappointed. -Terrell Owens. p49
People get upset when their expectations aren't met - no surprise there. At first, I couldn't see how I could do anything to mitigate that. After all, I can't prevent someone from having expectations. p52
When you're irritated with your partner because of a specific grievance, do you just need to express your frustration, or do you need to have a conversation about how to avoid a repeat offense? p55
We can't always control how a conversation goes, but we can create an environment for open, authentic communication by sharing our expectations and being aware of our own thoughts and feelings before we decide to speak. p57
In order to show respect, you'll have to view the other person as a human being, deserving of respect. And you'll need to find a way to empathize with them, in spite of your disagreements. p69
Try to image what that end goal is. Focus on their positive intentions. It's not easy, is it? But it's absolutely essential if you want to respect that person. Perhaps they have made different decisions than you have, perhaps they've learned different lessons, but in their mind, they are doing their best. p70
If you truly have nothing to say, then just listen. Accept that you may not reach an agreement and that disagreement is okay. Sometimes, just learning what someone else thinks, without changing any minds, is more than enough. p71
An apology can also confer upon the person offering it tremendous positive effects. In order to apologize to someone, you must first understand why they're upset. That requires that you put yourself in their shoes for just for a moment, and we know that such an exercise increases empathy. p78
Don't avoid a conversation because you're afraid of an argument. If the arguments are coming, face it and try to make it as productive as possible. There is some simple way to do this:
1. Don't make it personal. Don't talk about their personal flaws or use phrases like "This is what you always do" or "Here's your problem."
2. Think about solutions instead of focusing only on what you don't like or what made you angry. A productive argument isn't just a chance to complain.
3. Be willing to let the other person win. Finding a resolution that helps you both doesn't always mean declaring a victor or affirming that you are right. p132
People have a tendency to tell others everything they know, instead of considering what you need to accomplish in a conversation before you utter your first word. Once you've conveyed your message, resist the temptation to keep talking. In conversation, as in so many things, quality trumps quantity. p143
In general, it's helpful to know what you want to say before you start, and then keep an eye on the clock as you talk. In the majority of cases, keeping it short will keep it good. p147
The only way to make sure you're not teaching people to tune you out is to pay attention to what you're saying. Listen to yourself first. You may be surprised by what you hear and hear an hear. p160
Silence is an important part of communication, and something people don't pay attention to. He's saying that silence wakes up parts of our brains that may have been sleeping. If you allow space for silence in your conversations, you may engage more of your own mind and that of the other person's. p167
If you don't know something, just say "I don't know." Those three words can strengthen the bond between you and another person. And just as important, they are a gateway to further exploration and growth. You can't learn unless you admit that you have something to learn. p178
I don't believe we can listen to someone while we're crafting our response. If we're always thinking about what we're going to say next, I believe we're only ever half-listening in an exchange. p200
Anyone who's spent time with an infant will tell you that we're not born listening, we're born making noise. Listening is a skill you must practice with intent. p209
Listening requires energy and attention and involves more senses than just hearing. There are three kind of information conveyed during a conversation; lingual (the meaning of the words being said), gesture (facial expressions, hand movements, posture), and tonal (how we say the words). p216
We talk to someone because we want to say something, not because we want to hear. p217
Remember, it's about quality, not quantity. Talking all day will not make you a great conversationalist and constant chatter doesn't increase the value of the words - even Beethoven becomes background music if it's playing all the time. p228
What you do today can improve all you tomorrows. -Ralph Marston. p229
We Need o Talk★★★(Headlee Celeste, BlackstonePub, 2017.9.19) Jan 11, 2022
Zack's Comment
'We need to talk.' It's very simple title but it has lots of things what I thought. As time goes by I feel I avoid a conversation with someone who doesn't understand my intention that usually make argument.
The big problem for lack of communication is the person who should be with me like spouse. This book says that face it and should try to make it as productive as possible. But it's not easy to proceed in reality.
I need to admit that I cannot be a good person in a conversation. Which means I just need to try to be a good listener with intention and practice in my ordinary life. It's because we're born making noise since we were an infant. Remember that listening is a skill you must practice with an intent.
As I summarized above key sentences from this book, it would be inspired me to practice to be a good person while I'm talking with someone who disagrees with me. I'll have to view the other person as a human being, deserving of respect. I also need to find a way to empathize with them, in spite of my disagreements.
Hope that I never afraid of an argument with someone who has a different thinking. In particular, I will focus on finding the way to make it as productive as possible for the rest of my life. Not sure what the result will come up but should keep to check myself while I'm in a conversation with the person.
